You’d think sex would be easy. That sex doesn’t need to have unspoken rules, or even rules clearly printed like an instruction manual. After all, a few episodes of wilderness documentaries and it’s clear that sex isn’t really that complex between animals.
Humans are the problem. We always have to complicate shit.
Thus, the need for communication is born, ensuring that we don’t fuck up on more thing in this awesome world. Especially something that isn’t supposed to be complicated.
It’s a good idea for even new partners to lay some ground rules and have those obvious limits and rules spelled out. That’s good communication. It makes it safer to explore.
But there are also unspoken rules to sex that must be followed – or at the very least acknowledged.
I bring you the 2018 version of 20 unwritten rules of sex that you should start committing to memory.
1. If it slips out…
If it slips out while you’re in the throws of passion, then it needs to go back in. That responsibility falls squarely on the person on top. Or, depending on your position, the person who is doing the driving.
2. Don’t use weird stuff as lube
Just because it feels slick, or feels like it might make a good lube, doesn’t mean it will. I had a buddy who tried using toothpaste once. That turned out to be a nightmare for him AND her. Avoid anything that “tingles” or “cools.” Don’t use anything with sugars or cleaners that can change the pH of the hoohoo – that can lead to dryness as well as yeast infections. (ow fuck that.)
And don’t spit on the cock or vajayjay unless they specifically ask, or have given prior consent. That’s nasty.
3. Be prepared
Come prepared to cum prepared… bring protection and use it. That goes for everyone involved. Don’t assume it’s the responsibility of the other person.
4. Hygiene, yo
Wash your hands before sexy times, especially if you had spicy foods. Wash your junk, too. Keep everything clean if you’re expecting sexy fun times. If it’s spontaneous, just excuse yourself and go freshen up.
5. Drive responsibly
If you’re driving, ladies, don’t go so crazy that you start catching air. Nothing creates more boner-killing tension than praying frantically you don’t slip and bend or snap it. That shit HURTS
6. Crossing the finish line
If your partner has trouble finishing:
- Don’t apologize
- Don’t verbalize feeling bad for them
- Don’t use the same helpful tone you’d use with someone feeling sick
- Don’t stop helping them get there
- Don’t rush them
7. Sound the alarms… just once.
If a guy is receiving a BJ, he’s only obligated to give a single warning that he’s getting close. However, it’s good form to give three warnings. “I’m getting close”, “Oh my god, I’m gonna come.” “I’m gonna come” Three warnings provides sufficient opportunity for the one giving the BJ to decide how they’re going to handle the finish. If they’re indecisive, they get whatever happens when it happens and it’s on them (literally) or in their mouth.
8. Fucking pay attention!
Harder does not mean faster, and faster does not mean harder. “Keep doing that” or “omg that feels amazing” is not a cue to mix it up and try something else. If your partner is clearly enjoying what you’re doing, fight the urge to get creative. Stick with what you’re doing for at least a little while.
9. Give and thou shall receive
Reciprocate oral – if the other person does it, be willing to return the favor, BUT be willing to give it freely. Don’t give it with the expectation of getting in return. Focus only on giving, so that what you give is that much better.
10. Get schooled before you get kinky
Don’t insist on trying something on someone that you wouldn’t be willing to have done to you (especially true of anything pertaining to BDSM)
11. I repeat…
Clean yo’self. Wash yo shit. Make your dangle bits shiny and your naughty purse sparkle. Your taint should be so squeaky clean Travolta could Saturday Night Fever across it.
12. Respect em’, don’t heck em’
If someone says something is making them uncomfortable, respect that they had the courage to speak up and stop doing whatever it is you wanted to initiate. Move on and don’t push the issue. That is not the time to discuss it, question them, beg them, pressure them, or try convince them. Talk about it at a later time to better understand their decision, otherwise you’re pressuring them into it in the moment regardless of the angle you take.
13. No words are sometimes the best words
If you can’t think of anything to say, just grunt. You don’t want to make it awkward if she says “your dick feels amazing” by saying “oh god yours too”.
Unless you both have dicks. In that case, you’re good, and good on your for giving one another positive affirmations.
14. There’s a difference between “Alpha” and “asshole”
Never tease anyone about anything – even if a fart slips! Laugh together, but never laugh at them or tease. If someone does negging, or making disparaging comments – even playfully – kick that motherfucker to the curb or put your spouse in their place.
15. Tingly peter needs a breather
Unless you know for a fact that he’s down for round two, don’t grab his junk and start handling it immediately after he climaxes – there’s a good chance that shit is sensitive. Even if he IS down for round two, give him a minute to regroup because there’s a good chance that shit is sensitive! Like trying to walk on a foot that fell asleep sensitive.
16. Settle down, overachiever
Be gentle… for starters – then test limits. Going in too freaky, too fast, too hard, to crazy, too horny, and too off-expectations can ruin everything. Tease the warm up, and THEN go harder, better, faster, stronger.
17. Verify the dump zone
Don’t assume it’s okay to blow your load wherever you want – and ladies, speak up. Let guys know ahead of time – BEFORE they’re handling a loaded cock pointed at you – where you like it or don’t like it.
18. If you’re not sure, ask.
19. Tie a string to remember
Don’t insert anything anywhere without a clear exit strategy, including the ability to retrieve it.
20. It WILL go into an official report
Don’t do anything you aren’t fully prepared to explain to paramedics, nurses, and your physician.