The 2017 Edition of Things People Put Up Their Butts (and other places)

You know what I like about people?

They’re kinky.

The people who loudly proclaim their innocence? Those people are especially kinky. Those are the people not afraid of whips, chains, and putting things up their butts.

One survey showed that 85% of people have willingly engaged in some form of BDSM.

Some cultures are more kinky than others, but by-and-large the global population on this good Earth just generally likes to put stuff inside other people’s stuff.

Or their own stuff.

And it’s wonderful. I love it because from my experience in EMS it’s the kind of thing that keeps money flowing into the healthcare system and keeps medics gainfully employed.

Like when a patient had to be transported from a nursing home and she was found inserting her small handheld call light button into her who-hah (Yes the call light was going off because of it.)

“Things you can’t unsee” make for great stories to share with your kids, but they’re also fantastic inspiration for fucked up situations in the books I write.

And don’t think for one second that it doesn’t happen often enough.

When I said our world was full of people who use their orifices for things other than the manufacturer’s intended purpose, I wasn’t joking.

2017 alone was a banner year for people putting things up their butts, as well as other places.

That’s right, this is one of those “Look back at 2017” lists, but with a slightly grosser slant, because enough people have already reported on the sickly sweet shit that happened as well as dumpster-fire worthy events.

The secretly perverse individuals who make up our magnificent, sexually deviant society deserve their time in the spotlight.

Truthfully these list items aren’t all kinky. Some of them are purely “WTF?” Butt it still doesn’t disappoint.

This list is based on emergency room visits as recorded by the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission. (Objects have been sorted by orifice to match your personal preferences. Stuff inserted in the butt is at the bottom… naturally.)

Ear

  • BOBBY PIN
  • SMALL RED TOY
  • “WAS RUNNING WITH A STICK IN EAR; FELL STRIKING WALL”
  • BREAD
  • BATTERY
  • “FELL ASLEEP WITH A PENCIL POKED IN HIS RIGHT EAR, PENCIL LEAD IN EAR CANAL”
  • BROOM STRAW
  • SLIM METAL ROD
  • “STUFFED PAPER TOWEL IN EARS TO ACT AS EAR PLUGS BECAUSE ROOMMATE WAS SNORING, UNABLE TO GET IT OUT OF EAR”
  • PUTTY
  • A BEAN
  • “GASOLINE IN LEFT EAR WHILE CHANGING FUEL FILTER”
  • PENCIL SHAVINGS
  • STEM OF A PLASTIC FLOWER
  • RAIN WATER
  • TWO STICKERS STUCK TOGETHER
  • “GOOGLY EYE INSIDE HIS RIGHT EAR, AND ANOTHER THROUGH NOSE”

Nose

  • CANDY WRAPPER
  • FUZZY ARTS AND CRAFTS BALL
  • “SHOVED PLASTIC TOY UP IN BOTH NOSTRILS”
  • GUM
  • PINK BALLOON
  • WAD OF HAIR
  • “HOLDING A BOX OF JUICY JUICE AND THE STRAW WENT UP NOSTRIL”
  • HEART-SHAPED NECKLACE PENDANT
  • “PLAYING WITH A DIME ABOVE HEAD AND LOOKED UP WITH COIN FALLING INTO NOSE”
  • “STUCK HAIRPIN INTO NOSTRIL TRYING TO CLEAR BLOOD CLOT FROM NOSEBLEED”
  • FISHTANK GRAVEL
  • FISHING LURE
  • BABY BOTTLE NIPPLE
  • ONE MAGNET IN EACH NOSTRIL

Throat

  • OPEN SAFETY PIN
  • CIGARETTE
  • “A COUPLE PIECES OF DECORATIVE GLASS FROM A VASE”
  • DIARY KEY
  • EASTER EGG
  • “SWALLOWED STAPLES BECAUSE ‘ALIENS TOLD HER TO’”
  • AQUARIUM THERMOMETER
  • “SWALLOWED EARRING IN HER SLEEP THAT WAS IN MOUTH WHENSHE FELL ASLEEP”
  • SEWING NEEDLE
  • “SWALLOWED A PEN BECAUSE NO ONE PAID ATTENTION TO HIM”
  • ANGEL’S TRUMPET SEED PODS
  • GRITS
  • “A GOLDEN SHINY PENNY”
  • “WAS DOING A MAGIC TRICK AND ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED A QUARTER”
  • GROW CAPSULE
  • CONFETTI
  • “FOUND AFTER SWALLOWING 1/2 PACK OF GUM IN ROOM AT HOME, EMPTY WRAPPERS EVERYWHERE”
  • HOT SAUCE PACKET
  • “INJURED AFTER EATING CHARGING END OF CELL PHONE”
  • EARWIG
  • “SWALLOWED 3 PLASTIC PUSH-PINS IN A DARE AT SCHOOL, WON $15″

Penis

  • A LITTLE SCREW
  • A SHARP TOY
  • FOUR INCH LONG METAL SEX TOY
  • PLASTIC SPOON
  • PIECE OF DOMINO
  • PIECE OF PLASTIC SHAMPOO BOTTLE
  • “PUT PAPERCLIP THROUGH URETHRA AND PUNCTURED THROUGH THE SHAFT OF PENIS”
  • COAXIAL CABLE

Vagina

  • SCENTED SOAP
  • DEODORANT LID
  • “WAS CLEANING SELF IN SHOWER WHEN FOUND A TAMPON IN VAGINA. CONCERNED THAT THERE IS ANOTHER TAMPON IN VAGINA”
  • BOTTLECAP
  • PENIS RING WITH SPIKES ON IT
  • A PIECE OF RUSTY METAL
  • SILICON BALLS. PATIENT STATES IS FOR “YOU KNOW, FOR WHEN YOUR HUSBAND LEAVES TOWN”
  • A BALL
  • BIKE REFLECTOR
  • “ON PERIOD, INSERTED NON-BIRTH CONTROL SPONGE IN VAGINA SO SHE COULD SWIM”
  • HEADPHONES
  • HOT TOWEL
  • “WAS HAVING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH BOYFRIEND WHEN HE PUT PHONE AND MONEY IN VAGINA”
  • CLAY
  • CANDLESTICK
  • LOLLIPOP
  • “USING MASSAGING URETHRAL VAGINAL STONE BALLS & THE STRING HOLDING 15 BALLS TOGETHER DISSOLVED, CAN ONLY FIND 14 BALLS”
  • TOY MAGIC WAND

Da Butt

  • GOLF BALL
  • PEANUT BUTTER JAR
  • SPRAY BOTTLE
  • CURTAIN ROD
  • “STUCK A TOY UP HIS RECTUM BECAUSE HE THOUGHT HE WAS CONSTIPATED”
  • TOOTHBRUSH
  • TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER
  • FLOSS CONTAINER
  • MOUTHWASH BOTTLE
  • “AT A PARTY HAVING FUN WITH HIS MALE FRIENDS WHEN ONE PUT A SHOT GLASS UP HIS RECTUM”
  • SMALL WOODEN KNICK-KNACK
  • SCREWDRIVER
  • PLASTIC FORK
  • TOY MISSILE
  • PLASTIC VIBRATING DILDO, CAN NOT TURN OFF
  • “ATTEMPTED TO DISLODGE A DILDO FROM HIS ANUS USING A LETTER OPENER”
  • CIGAR TUBE TO RELIEVE HEMORRHOIDS
  • “FEELING LONELY, USED A MASCARA CONTAINER IN PLASTIC BAG, PUT IN RECTUM”
  • TIN CUP
  • HAIR BRUSH
  • “WAS DRINKING WITH FRIENDS AND ‘GOT TO EXPERIMENTING,’ AIR FRESHENER CONTAINER STUCK IN ANUS”
  • MARBLES
  • A LARGE BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO
  • “SAT IN BATHTUB AND FELT SOMETHING GO INTO HER ANUS”
  • CAT FOOD CAN
  • BAG OF ORAL TOBACCO
  • “WATER BOTTLE IN RECTUM, DOES THIS TO REDUCE ANXIETY”
  • 3 AA BATTERIES
  • 2 AAA BATTERIES
  • D BATTERY
  • “PATIENT SAID I HAVE A COIN IN MY ASS FROM A MONTH AGO”

Seriously people… it’s okay to enjoy your kink and get your freak on but if there’s one lesson to be learned from 2017 it’s that you should make sure that what you’re inserting has a flared base.

 

By | 2018-01-03T21:15:49+00:00 January 3rd, 2018|Uncategorized|5 Comments

About the Author:

Derek is a retired Emergency Medical Professional and has been a lover of telling stories his entire life, having made the transition from “filthy liar” to “sexy author” about the same time silver hairs started showing up in his face (and other places.) Aside from being a published author and freelance writer he’s also a gamer, gym rat, snow hater (despite living in Michigan), life liver, stunt double for Hulk, and he considers himself to be aggressively unfancy.

5 Comments

  1. Stephanie January 4, 2018 at 12:00 am - Reply

    OMG!!! LMAO! I can’t even….

  2. Michelle Reese January 4, 2018 at 12:57 am - Reply

    Good grief…as hilarious as it is wtf people are stupid! Lol

  3. Maria Nevarez January 4, 2018 at 2:46 am - Reply

    I am dying here… LMFAROFL🤣🤣🤣🤣
    Thank you.
    And the binding activity 😂😂😂😂

    Happy New Year!

  4. Maria January 4, 2018 at 3:05 am - Reply

    Oh God….how can 2018 start on a bad note when this just made me laugh so hard I pee’d myself. We humans are so funny at times!

  5. Kristina January 4, 2018 at 3:45 am - Reply

    See this is why I LOVE working with ER charts!!

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